There are many words in the English language that aren’t necessarily curse words, but just words that we don’t like.  Words that we don’t allow our children to use perhaps, because they sound “crude”.  Many would be surprised to find there are words that we, as adults, use that often times carry that same stigma.  One such word is “submission”.  Women reading may think “on don’t give me a lecture on submission”.  No, this is not a lecture.  I just want to share with you some things of which I am certain that God did and didn’t intend for this word to mean.

The Merriam Webster Dictionary defines submission as 1 a: a legal agreement to submit to the decision of arbitrators b: an act of submitting something (as for consideration or inspection) 2: the condition of being submissive, humble, or compliant 3: an act of submitting to the authority or control of another.

Yes, submission, in regards to marriage, is a part of a legal agreement because marriage itself is a legal agreement.  All three of the above mentioned definitions of submission have a part in the marriage agreement.  There are many different types of submission, but for this discussion I am going to talk about the act of submission and what that does and doesn’t mean within the boundaries of marriage.

Many women find it difficult to submit to any man because they have a tainted view of what submission means or feel that no man is worthy of being submitted to.

Peter addresses this issue in his book.

Likewise, ye wives, be in subjection to your own husbands; that, if any obey not the word, they also may without the word be won by the conversation of the wives; ² While they behold your chaste conversation coupled with fear.

1 Peter 3:1-2

Even if a Christian woman is married to a non-Christian man, she is still obligated to submit to him.  Why?  Because God commands it.  Somehow that just doesn’t seem fair, right?  Would you consider for a moment looking at the issue for another perspective?  Does God intend for women to submit to their husbands?  Yes.  Does God reward obedience?  Yes.  Can we then expect God to bless us if we choose to submit?  Absolutely.  Let me make it clear; however, that the reward may not come in the form that we expect.  Choosing to submit to one’s husband doesn’t mean that he will automatically become the romantic “Prince Charming” that you always dreamed of.  No, marriage is no fairytale and in order for it to work, there must be more substance than can be found in any fairytale.

The wife submitting to her husband works in marriage because that is the way that God designed the relationship to work.  God created the husband to be the stronger vessel, to work, to protect his family and to care for the needs of his household.  He is to be the spiritual leader of the home.  The wife is the weaker vessel but that doesn’t mean that we are any less than our male leaders.  It means that our husbands, whether Christian or not, are to follow God’s direction in leading his family.  Guess what? If a husband isn’t following God’s lead and the wife follows her husband in his error, he is not only responsible for misleading her but he is also responsible for himself. If a wife chooses to not submit to her husband, she is out of God’s order and will face judgment for that, not her husband.

See, the marriage relationship is structured in such a way that, when acted our Scripturally, is a reflection of the relationship that Christ Jesus has with the Father.  Jesus never demanded His way in anything.  He was so certain of the Father’s instruction that He trust God enough to lay down His life on the cross.  I would even go so far as to say that dying for us was what He wanted to do.  That doesn’t mean that it was easy.  It means that Jesus loves us so much that He chose to die rather than to be eternally separated from us.

In my own marriage, there have been many occasions that I did not want to submit to my husband.  Maybe I didn’t think he was following God’s direction, maybe I was in a bad mood and didn’t think he deserved my submitting to him.  There have been many times that I have wanted so badly to open my mouth and spew unkind words at him or defend myself in a way that isn’t godly.  There have been fewer times that I have listened to God and chosen to submit to my husband when I didn’t think I should have to.

Essentially God is asking us as women to submit so that He can bless us.  Why is it still a difficult thing to do when we know that we will be rewarded for it?  The answer is that we live in a culture in which women are trying to prove our equality.  The truth is that we are not equal to men in the sense that we must prove ourselves by conquering the world.  When we choose to submit though, oh the rewards that God has in store for us.

When I stopped struggling with God about this issue and finally began asking Him to change me is when I began to see what submission really is.  I would take things as a personal attack rather than constructive criticism.  When I stopped doing that, I no longer had a need to defend myself.  Oh I wanted to certainly.  I finally learned that when I would just take my pain to God instead of turning hurtful words into a war, that God in turn would convict my husband’s heart.  I began to step aside when I wanted to dig in for a fight and allow God do what God does, minister and heal.  When my husband and I are discussing something and I don’t agree with him, yes, I tell him that I don’t agree in a respectful manner, then I leave it in God’s hands.  I trust that God is working His will in my husband.  The beautiful thing is that even if my husband is not following God’s planned path for us, I’m not responsible or held accountable for that.  My job as a wife is to pray, submit, follow and continue to pray.  That is a large part of the recipe for a happy marriage.